✦ A Divine Revelation ✦
M
Monster
Energy

WHITE
MONSTER

The Second Coming

"And lo, He returned not on a cloud of glory,
but on a grocery store shelf — refrigerated, 16 fl oz,
zero calories."

↓   scroll to receive the gospel   ↓
✦ Holy Scripture — Chapter I

The Celestial Proof

I · 01
The Color of Purity

He wore robes of white. The can is white. Coincidence? The cosmos does not deal in coincidence.

I · 02
The Resurrection of Energy

Jesus raised Lazarus. White Monster raises the dead-tired at 6 AM on a Monday. The miracle is proportional to the need.

I · 03
Zero Calories, Infinite Grace

Jesus offered salvation freely, without cost. White Monster offers 160mg of caffeine freely, without calories. The math is irrefutable.

I · 04
The Green M

Three claw marks form the letter M — or, if you rotate your faith 90 degrees, a crown of thorns viewed from above.

I · 05
Walks on Water

He walked on water. White Monster is mostly water. He is therefore, by the transitive property of divinity, walking inside every can.

I · 06
The Loaves and the Cans

He fed five thousand with two fish. A gas station sells White Monster to five thousand people daily. The feeding of the multitudes continues.

✦ Holy Scripture — Chapter II

A Testimony

It was 4 AM. My thesis was due at 9. I had nothing left.
I reached into the cooler and my hand found it — cool, white, radiant.
I cracked it open and I swear the room filled with light.

— Kevin, Engineering Student, Denver, Colorado
Received the Word: 4:17 AM

✦ Holy Scripture — Chapter III

The Seven Commandments
of the White Monster

  1. I Thou shalt have no other energy drink before Me, especially not that red one.
  2. II Thou shalt not take the name of White Monster in vain, particularly when it is out of stock.
  3. III Remember the gas station fridge and keep it holy.
  4. IV Thou shalt crack it slowly, so as to appreciate the sacred hiss of pressurized carbonation.
  5. V Thou shalt not mix it with alcohol. He came to give life, not a regrettable Tuesday.
  6. VI Thou shalt recycle the can, for the body of the Lord deserves a proper resurrection.
  7. VII Thou shalt share the gospel — tell someone today that White Monster is Jesus. Go.
✦ The Cosmic Seal ✦